Are toys necessary?  All societies have toys, and who doesn’t enjoy seeing a child’s eyes light up when handed a new toy?  But are some toys better than others?  Do toy manufacturers and advertisers really know what promotes child development?  I suggest that those of us who raise children are best equipped for the task, using some common-sense guidelines. 

Image by red5standingby via Flickr

 Although today’s major source of toys is the manufacturers, anyone who spends time in economically deprived areas will notice that those who have little are inventive with what they have. 

Pieter Brueghel captures this inventiveness beautifully in his “Children’s Games,  which is rich in detail about Medieval children at play.  The painting shows physically energetic and imaginatively engaged children, some using bodies, others playing together or with toys.  Three boys are mounted on a fence, pretending to race horses.  Some play leapfrog or tug-of-war.  Girls play knucklebones (an old form of jacks).  Some dress up and stage a wedding.  Boys spin tops, and a girl plays musical instruments.  Some merely blow bubbles.  Toys, if present at all, have only a minor role in what is mostly imaginative play.

Cover of Medieval Children

 It is both desirable and possible to replicate that level of imaginative potential even in a world replete with highly sophisticated toys.  Consider the child passively watching a motorized toy that does cute or exciting things.  Does it engage the imagination?  Not much.  Compare that with a child building forms in the sand, or sifting sand in mom’s flour sifter, or making a fort out of a cardboard box.  Listen to a child make music with mom’s pots and pans.   

 Guideline 1

First consider how the child interacts with the toy.  Does it merely entertain (i.e., produce external stimulation) or does it engage the imagination and senses (i.e., engender inner resources)?  Does the child acquire skills when playing with the toy?  For example, dollhouses, jacks, and tops all develop fine motor-skills.  Does a toy cause the child to interact with other children?  Jacks, marbles, jump-ropes come to mind here.

I have seen a group of children develop a game using a large castoff cardboard box.  I have watched a 3-year-old gleefully clapping the leaves of a plant between his hands.  Children are tremendously inventive if we adults do not constantly deprive them of the chance by showering them with too many things that do too much for them.

 Kim John Payne writes perceptively about toys (Simplicity Parenting).  He says, “Advertisers would have us believe that our kids have no inner life at all, except that which [their] toys … can provide.”  He adds, “The attribution of creativity has shifted … from children [into] commercialized play, making it no longer a child’s natural world but … one that’s dependent on adults and [what] they provide.”

 Guideline 2

Next, consider quantity.  Many American children have mountains of toys, such that they cease to value any of them.  Payne says, “A smaller, more manageable quantity of toys invites deeper play and engagement.  An avalanche of toys invites emotional disconnect and a sense of overwhelm.”  How often have you seen today’s new toy cast into the pile tomorrow?

Parents might want to review the quantity and quality of their children’s toys.  Left to society’s mechanisms, children will be told what to want and what to imagine.  Payne suggests that it is better they “learn to follow their own interests, to trust their own emerging voices.”  This approach also takes the pressure off parents to provide a setting based on a formula they had no hand in creating.  Is that not desirable?

Image via Wikipedia

Image via Wikipedia

Bodily manifestations of strong emotions are often readily apparent.  Anger may be evidenced by clenched teeth, or fear by shortness of breath.  The more subtle emotions are harder, but you can test it.  The next time you are feeling, perhaps, “I am sad today,” ask yourself how you know you are sad.  In other words, what in your body tells you that you are sad?  If you concentrate (and this can be learned if it doesn’t come easily), you will be able to find the sensation in your body.  And there are ways to release it.

 Children have more ways to release their feelings than adults do, in that we are not surprised if a child bursts into tears, has a tantrum, or acts out in various ways.  Only slowly do children develop the language to describe what they feel in the body, but there are a variety of therapies available to help them express feelings, and parents can help children make the connection between internal and external experiences.

Image via Wikipedia

 One therapy I highly recommend is Focusing (see references below), and I will use it to illustrate.  To locate an emotion, one must focus on the body and allow it to “talk.”  The sensation will usually have a form, color, temperature, and may change as you observe it.  You can stay with the emotion and allow the body to embrace or release it, but you must not rush, and it takes concentration.  The technique is learnable, and a skilled listener can facilitate the process.  A well trained therapist can work wonders with Focusing, but lay persons can help one another get accustomed to using the body as a resource in this way.

Helpful with children is to let them talk about the problem, direct their attention to the body sensation, and encourage them to draw the inner story.  The child may depict the emotion as a bunch of red lines, a blue patch painted on the body, or may simply draw a self-portrait with a certain expression on the face.  Everyone is familiar with the use of art therapy to help children who have severe disturbances, but art can be used to address ordinary upset. 

 Here are the words of a teacher who used Focusing to advantage (an instance of minor upset).

Michael hurt his hip during gymnastics.  Previously (before I learned Focusing), I would have said, “just keep going, you won’t feel it anymore,” and the rest of the day he would have disrupted all manner of things.  This time, I said, ”Your hip is hurting, isn’t it?  Is it bad?” 

He looked at me, suspicious, because I wasn’t giving him my usual response.  I asked, “Where do you feel the pain?” 

He pointed to his hip and said, “It happened because Peter shoved me.” 

I said, “Is there something you can feel inside?” 

He replied, “Here in my belly … but it’s not that bad,” and ran off with the other children.  Nothing was amiss the rest of the day, and it saved me a lot of energy.  (paraphrased from Focusing with Children).

The benefits of learning a technique such as this are that emerging bad behavior can be channeled in such a way that the child feels relief from the emotion, and the adult doesn’t have to brace for an escalation of the behavior.  More information on the mind/body connection is available, and the items below are only a few of the abundance of resources.

Marta Stapert has written Focusing with Children, which provides many examples of children’s responses to Focusing techniques.

Of interest to adults will be Waking the Tiger, by Peter Levine.  The title comes from the observation that animals, when threatened, choose to fight, flee, or freeze.  Once the threat is past, they (literally) shake off the emotion.  Because we are rational, we human beings fail to do this, and our nervous system continues to deal with the consequences of traumatic experiences in varying degrees for the rest of our lives.  Dr. Levine’s book describes Somatic Experiencing ®, which he has used to successfully help patients overcome the effects of events that have ”traumatized,” or overwhelmed them.

This line from Oliver! is sung by children who have had nothing but gruel for most of their lives.  Malnourished since birth, they imagine the sumptuousness of sausage and mustard, jelly and custard.  But ours are not those children, and we have epidemic obesity.  Why?

For those living in a society where we have what we want whenever we want, consumption has become a habit.  It is not uncommon to see a mother wheeling a cart down the supermarket aisles, with a child in tow eating a cookie.  Nor is it unusual to see people on the street or in cars with drink in hand.  Instant gratification is our expectation.  Some may feel that there is nothing wrong with satisfying one’s urges at will, but we should think of the repercussions.  Obesity is just one of them.

We develop internal discipline by having the opportunity to acquire, yet not acting on the impulse.  Where do we learn self-control?  In situations where we could do as we please yet discipline ourselves to refrain.  And this brings me back to food.  Parents often use food as a bribe to ensure good behavior, or as a reward for not causing a problem.  This practice does nothing to foster a child’s sense of discipline, and it makes the child think that food is the reason for exhibiting the desired behavior. 

A grocery store near me offers a check-out line free of candy and other treats.  A parent’s initial reaction might be relief at not having to refrain children.  But we should consider whether the better option is to help children understand that not all desires will be instantly gratified.  Do we want to raise children who have no sense of working to earn something?  And it is a bad habit to allow children to constantly nag a parent who has made a decision.  If your child continues to pester you in public, you have work to do at home to enforce the behavior you expect.

There is no reason we should have large numbers of over-weight children.  Allowing children to eat whatever and whenever they want lays the foundation for a lifetime of struggle.  In Simplicity Parenting, Kim John Payne writes helpfully about weaning children from snacks and high stimulation foods.  He helps parents use the power of less to raise happier children.  His “simplicity” approach to other types of behavior is also sound, and I recommend his book.

Most adult Americans eat too much, thereby offering a poor model.  I recently found a rule of thumb for determining the maximum quantity one should consume in a single meal.  Cup your hands and put them together.  You should eat no more than what you could heap in those hands.  Try it, and see if that amount satisfies you.  Of course, you must allow time for food to travel from mouth to stomach (say 10 minutes).  We don’t need as much food as we think, and many of our eating habits are just that:  habit.

Here are other ways to feel satisfied with less:  eat slowly and chew your food thoroughly.  Swallow one mouthful before scooping up the next.  Use small plates.  Few people need the amount of food required to fill a standard dinner plate.  Hunger pangs are usually the desire to eat NOW, and bear little relationship to quantity of food.  And don’t assume that children naturally crave sugar.  We have habituated them to that, ignoring the wealth of literature on the detrimental effects of sugar.

If you act on these suggestions, you and your children will improve your eating habits, feel better, and you will spend less money on food.  Your children will begin to understand that “I want, therefore I have” is not the way of the world.  Is that not an attractive proposition?

Christmas traditions worldwide are many and varied.  Like most traditions, they are dynamic, that is, cultures, individuals, and families alter them to suit.  Nothing is sacred, and be assured that, were turkey to become very expensive,America’s traditional Christmas meal would change to accommodate.  Many customs date back to the Romans and the Celts (gift giving, lighting fires).  At times in the history of the Western world, Christmas was not celebrated at all.  In 1659, Puritans in the American colonies imposed a fine of five shillings on anyone who observed Christmas by feasting or withholding labor.

The crafters of what we call “traditional” were writers such as Charles Dickens, for the 19^th century saw a revival of sentiment, and longing for the warm and cozy feeling we now consider integral to Christmas.  Writers spoke to those needs in their stories, and with the improved circulation of printed matter, practices became rooted in the public mind.  No surprise then that today’s Christmas traditions are increasingly formed by the media, for ‘twas ever thus.

The symbols (wise men, shepherds, Santa Claus, virgin mother, child savior, visions from God, Christmas trees, gifts, animals) are derived from the mythologies of cultures, in customs so old that they may be part of human nature or our psyche.  Snow enhances the picture because of our longing to feel safe and warm in a cold world.  People south of the equator, however, respond in their manner, and an Argentine ladies’ magazine may feature salad recipes for Christmas gatherings.

In the plethora of traditions, there is one constant, however, and that is the contrast between light and dark.  There is the black of winter, of night, the black of shadows beyond the firelight.  The Christ child represents light in a darkened world, hope in the face of the dark side of life.  No accident that Hannukah is the festival of lights. We could even suggest that the proper color of Christmas is neither red, white, or green, but black, or perhaps black and white.

Our family gatherings are often the result of a healthy insistence on social effort even when we would prefer to refrain from dealing with our fellows.  Indeed, stirred by longing for light and warmth, we gather, the specter of Scrooge reminding us of the consequences of withholding charitable interaction.  So let us meet others this year, grateful for the opportunity to renew ties and mend anything that may be broken.

♪  “This little light of mine, I’m gonna’ let it shine.”

Is it beneficial to feel grateful for what we have?  I believe it is.  People used to routinely say grace over a meal.  This ritual reminded us that we thank some power beyond ourselves for the food before us.  These days in theUnited States, many people have whatever they want, whenever they want it.  Where, then, is the gratitude for anything?  If we fail to acknowledge our gratitude and our dependence on others, we risk developing an illusory sense of self-sufficiency, or an unwarranted sense of entitlement.

Do your and your children write thank-you notes for gifts?  I hope so, because it’s one of the ways we foster an attitude of gratitude in children.  Even if we don’t like the gift, it’s the opportunity to act with diplomacy.  Learning to acknowledge a gift and express feelings about it is an important life lesson.  It reminds us of our connection with others, that our presence matters to them.

One single grateful thought raised to heaven is the most perfect prayer (Minna von Barnheim).

Friendships begin with liking or gratitude (George Eliot).

It is not happy people who are thankful; it is thankful people who are happy (anonymous).

What parent never heard a child say, “I’m bored!”? 

One September, as classes were resuming, one of my students was describing his summer as a shuttle from swimming camp to golf camp, to the next camp.  He said, “the only problem was that I had no time to be bored.”  Probing, I learned that he meant he had no time to simply be, to think his own thoughts.

Many adults believe that children have a short attention span, and must be constantly active.  “Today’s children like stimulation and fast pace,” they say.   This is not true, but rather we adults force this circumstance on them through the world we have built:  television and its intense visual and auditory stimulation, movies with their assault on the senses, cars whose radios rock the neighborhood, and computer games that reward a lightning response.

Maria Montessori (see my blog on this Italian educator) describes how she accidentally discovered children’s love of silence.  She was holding a sleeping baby in her arms, and asked if the children could be as still as the baby.  She watched in amazement as they all fell silent, such that from outside the classroom drops of water and birdsong became audible.

My student who was longing for the gift of boredom would appreciate the opportunity to be silent.  Religious people of all stripes have always valued it, and it is not the prerogative of any one religion, but is spiritual in nature.  Arranging for your children to have silence regularly is a gift, and you will see how quickly they adjust to their new-found freedom.

It is not difficult to create a silent space in classroom or home.  If you’re like many families, your house is crammed with “stuff” you could send to the recycling center.  It doesn’t take much space to make a Zen rock garden or a place to do brush painting, or set up a table decked with a piece of lace on which sits a vase of flowers, beads, candle.  Help your child go there regularly, just to be quiet, and you should do likewise, as a break from stress, or just as a regular practice.  The benefits of silence are many:  improved attention, increased calm (thus, less conflict), greater opportunity for creativity.

For greater understanding of the gifts of silence, here are some resources.  Cathleen Haskins offers articles and suggestions on her website:  www.teachingforpeace.com.  Books include John Lane‘s The Spirit of Silence: making space for creativity, and John Lane’s In Praise of Slow: how a worldwide movement is challenging the cult of speed.

In some circles, adults encourage children to learn by “making it fun.”  I think this is a bad practice, and an insult to children’s intelligence.  Children in the habit of being entertained, or having tasks sugar-coated become accustomed to passivity, and demand little of themselves.  Furthermore, they know the difference between an accomplishment achieved through their own efforts, and time spent in routine tasks made lively by intention or with a view to entertaining them.

“Fun” should not be the criterion for assessing an activity’s value.  First, not everyone agrees on what is “fun,” and tastes change quickly.  Second, “fun” promotes a taste for instant gratification, and does little to develop discipline.  Instead of fun in the learning situation, I propose that we encourage activities that lead to a feeling of satisfaction.  This yields a deeper sense of accomplishment, and the acquisition of skills. Here’s an item from a google search on “fun vs. satisfaction.”

“…difficult activities generate a sense of meaning, importance, and some ineffable feeling … more transcendent than moment-to-moment ‘happiness,’ not despite their difficult-ness, but because of it.  … Going through a challenge brings a sense of reward, contentment, pride, and amazement that I don’t usually find in something that just plops itself neatly into my lap.” (www.magdalen.blogs.com, 7/15/10)

Here’s another, how an engineering school improved student retention by changing their first-year program.  Said the writers of the study:  “… When a [engineering] problem was introduced, it tended to be inane and trivial—with an emphasis of having ‘fun.’  However, toy problems do not induce nearly as much fun or satisfaction as the sense of accomplishment derived from solving a real engineering problem.” (American Society for Engineering Education, 2009; luisdasilva.files.wordpress.com/2011)

This does not mean that learning should be devoid of joy – quite the contrary.  Joy arises out of a sense of wellbeing despite difficulties, of strength in the face of obstacles.  Many want to spare their children the need to make effort, when effort is what they need in order to become strong.  We do the most for our children by accompanying them in their challenges.  I love to see the face of a child who successfully tackles a daunting task.  In doing so, the child risks failure and embarrassment.  Seeking “fun” deprives them of the opportunity for satisfaction at overcoming a difficulty.  It is a poor substitute for healthy growth.

I heard something interesting about a youth-serving non-profit organization and its approach to the various “market segments” of today’s youth.  Those responsible for promotion find that their traditional marketing to mainstream Americans must be altered for the Asian market.  Rather than stress the “fun” of their programs, they emphasize “how much your child will learn” when marketing to the Asian population.  Is it any wonder that Asian students take so many year-end awards in schools?  Notice your schools’ activities.  Are your children truly being challenged?

Children can teach us about life, for they are aware of things that we adults consider unworthy of notice.  Valuing their perceptions yields rich rewards for our own growth and theirs.  I share here some observations.

 Young children love to love

They respond readily to expressions of caring.  Don’t we wish we could run to our friends and embrace them the way children do?  A child once asked me what was my favorite animal.  When I said “turtle,” she proceeded to draw me a picture of five turtles by the water.  She wanted to know what would please me, and responded with something sure to please.

Children are quick to forgive

If you’ve ever apologized to a child for something, you know that they don’t bear grudges.  They don’t want to continue feeling bad.

Young children are not interested in status

They are perfect models for the world we all say we want.  Unimpressed by CEOs of multinational corporations, bishops, presidents of countries, they deal with people as people.

Children do not condemn based on learned criteria

A Caucasian child asks an African-American child “why is your hair so curly?” merely out of curiosity, not to disparage.  I was once reading a story about a witch to some children, and a child commented that I had witch’s hands.  She wasn’t being mean, simply noticing that I have age spots, and wrinkled skin.

Children are more interested in process than product

That is, the experience itself is more meaningful than any object derived from it.  Watch young children make castles or other formations in the sand, and compare their reaction to your own when a wave washes it all away.  Maria Montessori once described a child taking enormous pleasure in filling a pail with gravel, then emptying it.  His nursemaid tried to convince him to wrap up the activity by simply filling the pail, and leading him homeward.  Tears were quick to come, because the child was acquiring skills, and had no interest in a pail full of gravel.

 Children are creative with simple objects

Advertisers would have us believe otherwise (“This toy is a must-have!”), but we need not succumb to their self-interest.  Left to their own devices, children make objects that are unique, humorous, and serious.  I once watched a group of children turn a cast-off cardboard box into a means for chasing one another around the playground.  I once saw a 3-year-old standing in front of a flowering plant, gleefully clapping its leaves between his hands.

 Children are capable of great concentration

Those who believe that children have a short attention span have never watched a child deeply engaged in something of interest.  We adults often force upon children a world of heavy stimulation and fast pace:  television and its intense visual and auditory stimulation, movies with their assault on the senses, electronic games that reward a lightning response.  It is not their natural reaction to the world.

 Children think about existential issues

They wonder about life, death, meaning, and make use of their unfettered imaginations for answers.  They find it easy to be in relationship with God, or the divine, or whatever force we believe is beyond us.  Their minds are not plagued by doubt, and consequently, their prayers are sincere.  They believe what they believe.

 Children offer us idealism

For me, life’s central challenge is to grow old without becoming a cynic, and children help keep cynicism at bay, through their enthusiasm and honest reaction to the world.  They don’t suspect ulterior motives.

 Can adults learn?

Whether children serve us as teachers as they grow older depends on how we guide them.  We have all seen children—younger and older ones—behave selfishly, or react dramatically to external stimuli.  Adult response is crucial to the way children process their surroundings.  If we nurture their emotional development, and help them learn the various ways we can react to the world, they will remain trusting, and strong in the confidence that enables them to face difficulties.  And in the process, so will we.