Whether we know it or not, our bodies record our emotions and, if not released, they have the potential to engender bad behavior or illness.  The language confirms this:  “She worried herself sick over that boy,” or “He died of a broken heart,” or “The whole business turns my stomach.”  These days, it is possible to identify and release emotions that have a negative impact on our bodies or spirit, and therefore our interface with the world.

 Bodily manifestations of strong emotions are often readily apparent.  Anger may be evidenced by clenched teeth, or fear by shortness of breath.  The more subtle emotions are harder, but you can test it.  The next time you are feeling, perhaps, “I am sad today,” ask yourself how you know you are sad.  In other words, what in your body tells you that you are sad?  If you concentrate (and this can be learned if it doesn’t come easily), you will be able to find the sensation in your body.  And there are ways to release it.

Children have more ways to release their feelings than adults do, in that we are not surprised if a child bursts into tears, has a tantrum, or acts out in various ways.  Only slowly do children develop the language to describe what they feel in the body, but there are a variety of therapies available to help them express feelings, and parents can help children make the connection between internal and external experiences.

Emotion (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

One therapy I highly recommend is Focusing (see references below), and I will use it to illustrate.  To locate an emotion, one must focus on the body and allow it to “talk.”  The sensation will usually have a form, color, temperature, and may change as you observe it.  You can stay with the emotion and allow the body to embrace or release it, but you must not rush, and it takes concentration.  The technique is learnable, and a skilled listener can facilitate the process.

 Helpful with children is to let them talk about the problem, direct their attention to the body sensation, and encourage them to draw the inner story.  The child may depict the emotion as a bunch of red lines, a blue patch painted on a part of the body, or may simply draw a self-portrait with a certain expression on the face.  Everyone is familiar with the use of art therapy to help children who have severe disturbances, but art can be used to address ordinary upset. 

Here is an example of a teacher who used Focusing to advantage (a relatively easy instance).

 Michael hurt his hip during gymnastics.  Previously (before I learned Focusing), I would have said, “just keep going, you won’t feel it anymore,” and the rest of the day he would have disrupted all manner of things.  This time, however, I said, ”Your hip is hurting, isn’t it?  Is it bad?” 

He looked at me, suspicious, because I wasn’t giving him my usual response.  I asked, “Where do you feel the pain?” 

He pointed to his hip and said, “It happened because Peter was pushing me.” 

I said, “Is there something you can feel inside?” 

He replied, “Here in my belly … but it’s not that bad,” and ran off with the other children.  Nothing was amiss the rest of the day, and it saved me a lot of energy.  (paraphrased from Focusing with Children).

 The benefits of learning a technique such as this are that emerging bad behavior can be channeled in such a way that the child feels relief from the emotion, and the adult doesn’t have to brace for an escalation of the behavior.  More information on the mind/body connection is available, and the items below are only a few of the abundance of resources.

Focusing was developed by Eugene Gendlin.  The practice is described fully in his book Focusing, available in libraries, bookstores, and on line.  Visit www.focusing.org to know more.

 Marta Stapert has written Focusing with Children, which provides many examples of children’s responses to Focusing techniques.

Of interest to adults will be Waking the Tiger, by Peter Levine.  The title comes from the observation that animals, when threatened, choose to fight, flee, or freeze.  Once the threat is past, they (literally) shake off the emotion.  Because we are rational, we human beings fail to do this, and our nervous system continues to deal with the consequences of traumatic experiences in varying degrees for the rest of our lives.  Dr. Levine’s book describes Somatic Experiencing ®, which he has used to successfully help patients overcome the effects of trauma.

 Children’s responses to trauma are documented by Dr. Levine and Maggie Kline in Trauma Through a Child’s Eyes, and Trauma-Proofing Your Kids.  What is not traumatic to an adult may be frightening to a child, and the authors provide ample evidence of the effects on children of seemingly minor upsets.

Cover via Amazon

Image via Wikipedia

 In the story, a plane crashes on a desert island, the sole survivors being boys under 13 years of age.  Two boys emerge as leaders, and one is elected chief by vote of all.  The order gradually breaks down, however, until the followers of one boy turn animalistic, while the other group maintains a fire to alert passing ships.  As the story closes, the deterioration is such that the first group is on a manhunt for the leader of the second group.  When the action is most fierce, and one boy is likely to die, it is interrupted by a naval officer, who has seen the fire and landed on the island.  He believes the boys have been playing a game.  The appearance of one adult—only one—has changed their deadly interaction into a game. 

 Today’s bullies

We read of incidents that replicate that dynamic, often with fatal consequences.  Isn’t it time we focused on where it starts?  And it starts with very young children, whose seeds of assertiveness grow into bullying in the context of how we treat others.

 My children’s theatre class offers ample opportunity for 5- and 6-year-olds to tell others what to do.  The intention and energy of a remark determine whether another child feels afflicted or nurtured.  If our play calls for a prince, and one child says, in a critical tone, “that’s not how a prince acts,” the second child can deflect the intention by saying, “That is the way a prince acts.”  Or he may be cowed, and say, “I don’t want to be the prince.”

 Dignity of the child

Ideally, children learn to counter negative intent with no adult involvement.  When I overhear uncharitable remarks, I notice how children respond on their own.  If the second child deflects the negativism, I let them work it out.  But if the child feels diminished, I help both children consider a different interaction.  Sometimes it’s sufficient to say, “who says that’s not the way a prince acts?”  My reaction to negative intent is crucial, and if I let one hurtful remark pass, others will follow.

Image via Wikipedia

 We are all potential bullies, and bullying assumes one party has more power than the other, through physical strength, or mental fortitude.  Energy of response is key, and ultimately, we all must learn to stand up for ourselves.  If children learn early to deflect harmful intent with their own energy, with no adult intervention, they may avoid the descent to violent response.  Parents and teachers can instill a sense of dignity by coaching and modeling, and by insisting on charitable behavior. 

Actions have consequences

Interaction with parents is the first place where bullying seeds take root.  You have witnessed scenes in public:  a child screaming for a toy that mom has in her bag.  Tolerance for that type of behavior is water on the seeds.

I once saw a mother “correct” her daughter, who often pushed others to get what she wanted.  The mother said, “Jennifer, did you push me?  That’s not nice.  Say you’re sorry.”  The words were right, but the mother’s tone of voice could have been “let’s sit down to dinner.”  Nothing suggested to the child that her behavior was unacceptable, nor that there would be consequences for her actions.

In the home, parents should constantly ensure that all children (their own and visitors) know what is acceptable and not.  This means consequences if the behavior is mean-spirited or disrespectful.  “Disrespectful” may mean a tone of voice, a look, or an exclamation.  Consequences must be strong enough to make the child pause before committing the same act.  It may be as simple as losing a privilege, e.g., no TV tonight.  The hard part?  Having the fortitude to apply the sanction without relenting.

Parents unwilling to apply consequences to their child’s negative actions are surprised when their teenager attacks them verbally or otherwise.  They have only themselves to blame.  By the time teens are bullying gays, or anyone, it’s too late.  They have learned that they can act with impunity.  Children as young as 4 or 5 should know that some behaviors are acceptable and some not.  The positive side is that time invested early yields fruit.

What’s the answer?

Start by modeling and inculcating manners, or behavior that respects the dignity of others:  addressing people respectfully, saying “hello” when meeting someone, not pushing in line, watching out for smaller children, not interrupting a conversation, and the rest.  Children learn that manners is part of being a grown-up (all children want to be treated as grown-ups).  It takes constancy by parents and teachers, and a willingness to forego instant popularity.  But our sons and daughters will thank us later if we do it.

People used to sing spontaneously.  I can still hear my mother singing us her wake-up call, and my neighbor’s voice raised in song as he washed dishes.  This was before the age of cassette tapes, CDs, i-pods and i-tunes, a time when three generations routinely shared a song repertory, and the smallest child and grandma could sing together.  Songs were a soft glue that maintained a common body of history, stories, and silly thoughts among families and within a community.  People sang at church, in the movie theatre, at family gatherings, parties, camp, in pizza parlors.  Lovers sang in harmony.  And they did so with minimal or no assistance from instruments or recordings.

Today, there are few songs that all Americans know, for we no longer have a common song repertory.  At your next social gathering, try to find one that everyone can sing, and without support from a recording.  Music surrounds us—in stores, elevators, TV, computers, radios—but it is rarely of our own making.  How have we Americans let singing disappear from our lives?  I suspect that singing is a pleasure many families would bring back, so here are some suggestions.

First, start singing, without benefit of playback device.  Sing lullabies and nursery rhymes instead of playing a CD.  Join a chorus.  Sing Christmas carols with the family.  If none of the children is a pianist or guitar player, invite someone from the community to accompany at the gathering.  Other family members may not join in immediately, and in the absence of a common repertory, it will take time to engage them (especially teenagers).  It is well worth the effort, however, and you will soon hear little voices joining your own.  Spouses can set the example by singing in harmony (a soul-satisfying experience if ever there was one).  Nerissa Nields has good suggestions in All Together Singing in the Kitchen.

Giving our children good songs nourishes them for life, for they are poetry, rich in potential to teach history, language, and life lessons.  The act of singing is healthful too, because we breathe, and feel safe.  A family should set priorities to show that these activities have value.  Support your children as they play an instrument, helping them learn the persistence and discipline that leads to mastery.

Take your children to concerts of classical music, jazz, Renaissance madrigals, Indian ragas, klezmer, Gilbert and Sullivan, bluegrass.  Take them to hear grand opera, reading the stories beforehand.  Introduce them to the unfamiliar, such Japanese taiko drumming, or a performance by a youth chorus visiting from Namibia.  Tour a church pipe organ.  Climb a bell tower and touch the bells.  With myriad traditions available, we have music for a lifetime.

Share your views with other parents, teachers, and school administrators.  Insist that the school support a solid music education for your children, one in which they make the music.  Music-making has enormous potential to bind us together.  We owe this enjoyment to ourselves and to our children.

Good songs are those that have survived over time.  The National Association for Music Education has developed a songbook that is a good start for any family: 

Get American Singing … Again!  You can order it from www.halleonard.com.  There are 2 volumes ($3.95 each), and other items, such as workbooks and CDs.  If you get the CD, please use it to learn the songs, but then unplug the player and sing with your own voice.

Related articles

• Music in ECE: Yes, You Can! Part 2: Singing (childsplaymusic.com.au)

Image via Wikipedia

Many people display ribbons folded in a loop, indicating support for a cause.  And many of those ribbons say:  “Support our Troops.”  I suggest that we envision teachers as our front-line soldiers, in the war against ignorance and complacency.  

When the nation is engaged in a war, and not winning, no one blames the soldiers, but rather their commanders, who are unable to give adequate direction, or who cannot provide the resources needed.  We all know what it feels like to be supported by our supervisors, and we know that our performance improves when we have the right tools.  In our education system, administrators, not teachers, should bear the brunt of criticism (and the impact of budget cuts). 

Image via Wikipedia

 Are all teachers effective?  No, but neither are all soldiers, or office workers, or corporate executives.  Do they always handle our children the way we would like?  No, but we might look at the reasons.  They may be overworked, poorly trained, or just tired on a given day.  Explanations abound, as do solutions.  Blame does not accomplish very much.

 Just as we wish to support our troops (imperfect as they are), so we should support our teachers.  I propose a nationwide campaign, using the now ubiquitous looped ribbons, and stamped “Support our teachers” (the color should be green).  Why should waging war be held in greater esteem than raising children?

toys (Photo credit: red5standingby)

Although today’s major source of toys is the manufacturers, anyone who spends time in economically deprived areas will notice that those who have little are inventive with what they have.

Pieter Brueghel captures this inventiveness beautifully in his “Children’s Games,  which is rich in detail about Medieval children at play.  The painting shows physically energetic and imaginatively engaged children, some using bodies, others playing together or with toys.  Three boys are mounted on a fence, pretending to race horses.  Some play leapfrog or tug-of-war.  Girls play knucklebones (an old form of jacks).  Some dress up and stage a wedding.  Boys spin tops, and a girl plays musical instruments.  Some merely blow bubbles.  Toys, if present at all, have only a minor role in what is mostly imaginative play.

 

It is both desirable and possible to replicate that level of imaginative potential even in a world replete with highly sophisticated toys.  Consider the child passively watching a motorized toy that does cute or exciting things.  Does it engage the imagination?  Not much.  Compare that with a child building forms in the sand, or sifting sand in mom’s flour sifter, or making a fort out of a cardboard box.  Listen to a child make music with mom’s pots and pans.

Guideline 1

First consider how the child interacts with the toy.  Does it merely entertain (i.e., produce external stimulation) or does it engage the imagination and senses (i.e., engender inner resources)?  Does the child acquire skills when playing with the toy?  For example, dollhouses, jacks, and tops all develop fine motor-skills.  Does a toy cause the child to interact with other children?  Jacks, marbles, jump-ropes come to mind here.

I have seen a group of children develop a game using a large castoff cardboard box.  I have watched a 3-year-old gleefully clapping the leaves of a plant between his hands.  Children are tremendously inventive if we adults do not constantly deprive them of the chance by showering them with too many things that do too much for them.

Kim John Payne writes perceptively about toys (Simplicity Parenting).  He says, “Advertisers would have us believe that our kids have no inner life at all, except that which [their] toys … can provide.”  He adds, “The attribution of creativity has shifted … from children [into] commercialized play, making it no longer a child’s natural world but … one that’s dependent on adults and [what] they provide.”

Guideline 2

Next, consider quantity.  Many American children have mountains of toys, such that they cease to value any of them.  Payne says, “A smaller, more manageable quantity of toys invites deeper play and engagement.  An avalanche of toys invites emotional disconnect and a sense of overwhelm.”  How often have you seen today’s new toy cast into the pile tomorrow?

Parents might want to review the quantity and quality of their children’s toys.  Left to society’s mechanisms, children will be told what to want and what to imagine.  Payne suggests that it is better they “learn to follow their own interests, to trust their own emerging voices.”  This approach also takes the pressure off parents to provide a setting based on a formula they had no hand in creating.  Is that not desirable?

For those living in a society where we have what we want whenever we want, consumption has become a habit.  It is not uncommon to see a mother wheeling a cart down the supermarket aisles, with a child in tow eating a cookie.  Nor is it unusual to see people on the street or in cars with drink in hand.  Instant gratification is our expectation.  Some may feel that there is nothing wrong with satisfying one’s urges at will, but we should think of the repercussions.  Obesity is just one of them.

We develop internal discipline by having the opportunity to acquire, yet not acting on the impulse.  Where do we learn self-control?  In situations where we could do as we please yet discipline ourselves to refrain.  And this brings me back to food.  Parents often use food as a bribe to ensure good behavior, or as a reward for not causing a problem.  This practice does nothing to foster a child’s sense of discipline, and it makes the child think that food is the reason for exhibiting the desired behavior. 

A grocery store near me offers a check-out line free of candy and other treats.  A parent’s initial reaction might be relief at not having to refrain children.  But we should consider whether the better option is to help children understand that not all desires will be instantly gratified.  Do we want to raise children who have no sense of working to earn something?  And it is a bad habit to allow children to constantly nag a parent who has made a decision.  If your child continues to pester you in public, you have work to do at home to enforce the behavior you expect.

There is no reason we should have large numbers of over-weight children.  Allowing children to eat whatever and whenever they want lays the foundation for a lifetime of struggle.  In Simplicity Parenting, Kim John Payne writes helpfully about weaning children from snacks and high stimulation foods.  He helps parents use the power of less to raise happier children.  His “simplicity” approach to other types of behavior is also sound, and I recommend his book.

Most adult Americans eat too much, thereby offering a poor model.  I recently found a rule of thumb for determining the maximum quantity one should consume in a single meal.  Cup your hands and put them together.  You should eat no more than what you could heap in those hands.  Try it, and see if that amount satisfies you.  Of course, you must allow time for food to travel from mouth to stomach (say 10 minutes).  We don’t need as much food as we think, and many of our eating habits are just that:  habit.

Here are other ways to feel satisfied with less:  eat slowly and chew your food thoroughly.  Swallow one mouthful before scooping up the next.  Use small plates.  Few people need the amount of food required to fill a standard dinner plate.  Hunger pangs are usually the desire to eat NOW, and bear little relationship to quantity of food.  And don’t assume that children naturally crave sugar.  We have habituated them to that, ignoring the wealth of literature on the detrimental effects of sugar.

If you act on these suggestions, you and your children will improve your eating habits, feel better, and you will spend less money on food.  Your children will begin to understand that “I want, therefore I have” is not the way of the world.  Is that not an attractive proposition?

The crafters of what we call “traditional” were writers such as Charles Dickens, for the 19^th century saw a revival of sentiment, and longing for the warm and cozy feeling we now consider integral to Christmas.  Writers spoke to those needs in their stories, and with the improved circulation of printed matter, practices became rooted in the public mind.  No surprise then that today’s Christmas traditions are increasingly formed by the media, for ‘twas ever thus.

Christmas traditions worldwide are many and varied.  Like most traditions, they are dynamic, that is, cultures, individuals, and families alter them to suit.  Nothing is sacred, and be assured that, were turkey to become very expensive,America’s traditional Christmas meal would change to accommodate.  Many customs date back to the Romans and the Celts (gift giving, lighting fires).  At times in the history of the Western world, Christmas was not celebrated at all.  In 1659, Puritans in the American colonies imposed a fine of five shillings on anyone who observed Christmas by feasting or withholding labor.

The symbols (wise men, shepherds, Santa Claus, virgin mother, child savior, visions from God, Christmas trees, gifts, animals) are derived from the mythologies of cultures, in customs so old that they may be part of human nature or our psyche.  Snow enhances the picture because of our longing to feel safe and warm in a cold world.  People south of the equator, however, respond in their manner, and an Argentine ladies’ magazine may feature salad recipes for Christmas gatherings.

In the plethora of traditions, there is one constant, however, and that is the contrast between light and dark.  There is the black of winter, of night, the black of shadows beyond the firelight.  The Christ child represents light in a darkened world, hope in the face of the dark side of life.  No accident that Hannukah is the festival of lights. We could even suggest that the proper color of Christmas is neither red, white, or green, but black, or perhaps black and white.

Our family gatherings are often the result of a healthy insistence on social effort even when we would prefer to refrain from dealing with our fellows.  Indeed, stirred by longing for light and warmth, we gather, the specter of Scrooge reminding us of the consequences of withholding charitable interaction.  So let us meet others this year, grateful for the opportunity to renew ties and mend anything that may be broken.

♪  “This little light of mine, I’m gonna’ let it shine.”

Do your and your children write thank-you notes for gifts?  I hope so, because it’s one of the ways we foster an attitude of gratitude in children.  Even if we don’t like the gift, it’s the opportunity to act with diplomacy.  Learning to acknowledge a gift and express feelings about it is an important life lesson.  It reminds us of our connection with others, that our presence matters to them.

One single grateful thought raised to heaven is the most perfect prayer (Minna von Barnheim).

Friendships begin with liking or gratitude (George Eliot).

It is not happy people who are thankful; it is thankful people who are happy (anonymous).

Edward Arlington Robinson refers to two kinds of gratitude: The sudden kind / we feel for what we take; the larger kind / we feel for what we give.”

One September, as classes were resuming, one of my students was describing his summer as a shuttle from swimming camp to golf camp, to the next camp.  He said, “the only problem was that I had no time to be bored.”  Probing, I learned that he meant he had no time to simply be, to think his own thoughts.

Many adults believe that children have a short attention span, and must be constantly active.  “Today’s children like stimulation and fast pace,” they say.   This is not true, but rather we adults force this circumstance on them through the world we have built:  television and its intense visual and auditory stimulation, movies with their assault on the senses, cars whose radios rock the neighborhood, and computer games that reward a lightning response.

Maria Montessori (see my blog on this Italian educator) describes how she accidentally discovered children’s love of silence.  She was holding a sleeping baby in her arms, and asked if the children could be as still as the baby.  She watched in amazement as they all fell silent, such that from outside the classroom drops of water and birdsong became audible.

My student who was longing for the gift of boredom would appreciate the opportunity to be silent.  Religious people of all stripes have always valued it, and it is not the prerogative of any one religion, but is spiritual in nature.  Arranging for your children to have silence regularly is a gift, and you will see how quickly they adjust to their new-found freedom.

It is not difficult to create a silent space in classroom or home.  If you’re like many families, your house is crammed with “stuff” you could send to the recycling center.  It doesn’t take much space to make a Zen rock garden or a place to do brush painting, or set up a table decked with a piece of lace on which sits a vase of flowers, beads, candle.  Help your child go there regularly, just to be quiet, and you should do likewise, as a break from stress, or just as a regular practice.  The benefits of silence are many:  improved attention, increased calm (thus, less conflict), greater opportunity for creativity.

For greater understanding of the gifts of silence, here are some resources.  Cathleen Haskins offers articles and suggestions on her website:  www.montessoriwise.com.  Here is the Silence Game, which she uses with children 6-9:

To engage the children in the Silence Game, the teacher gently rings a little bell or holds a sign that reads Silence. The children stop whatever they are doing, put down the items they are using, and either move toward a designated area of the room or remain where they are, stilling their bodies and falling into silence. The teacher says nothing. A peacefulness fills the room.

The teacher then whispers in a barley audible voice, the name of each child, one by one. The children are still, but alert, waiting to hear their name called, at which time they rise and go to the teacher. To see the little children engaged in this exercise is powerful. They do not simply jump up and amble over to their teacher, but exercise the great control, demonstrating their deep desire to move slowly, precisely, and mindfully. Each step is taken with utmost care. The silence continues.

The beauty of the silence game is that it gives children an opportunity to know silence differently. It transforms the notion of quiet or silence from something imposed by adult authority, to something beautiful, something they have the power to create. In Montessori we tell the children, you have the power to create silence!

 Books on capturing the beauty of silence include John Lane‘s The Spirit of Silence: making space for creativity, and John Lane’s In Praise of Slow: how a worldwide movement is challenging the cult of speed.

“Fun” should not be the criterion for assessing an activity’s value.  First, not everyone agrees on what is “fun,” and tastes change quickly.  Second, “fun” promotes a taste for instant gratification, and does little to develop discipline.  Instead of fun in the learning situation, I propose that we encourage activities that lead to a feeling of satisfaction.  This yields a deeper sense of accomplishment, and the acquisition of skills. Here’s an item from a google search on “fun vs. satisfaction.”

“…difficult activities generate a sense of meaning, importance, and some ineffable feeling … more transcendent than moment-to-moment ‘happiness,’ not despite their difficult-ness, but because of it.  … Going through a challenge brings a sense of reward, contentment, pride, and amazement that I don’t usually find in something that just plops itself neatly into my lap.” (www.magdalen.blogs.com, 7/15/10)

Here’s another, how an engineering school improved student retention by changing their first-year program.  Said the writers of the study:  “… When a [engineering] problem was introduced, it tended to be inane and trivial—with an emphasis of having ‘fun.’  However, toy problems do not induce nearly as much fun or satisfaction as the sense of accomplishment derived from solving a real engineering problem.” (American Society for Engineering Education, 2009; luisdasilva.files.wordpress.com/2011)

This does not mean that learning should be devoid of joy – quite the contrary.  Joy arises out of a sense of wellbeing despite difficulties, of strength in the face of obstacles.  Many want to spare their children the need to make effort, when effort is what they need in order to become strong.  We do the most for our children by accompanying them in their challenges.  I love to see the face of a child who successfully tackles a daunting task.  In doing so, the child risks failure and embarrassment.  Seeking “fun” deprives them of the opportunity for satisfaction at overcoming a difficulty.  It is a poor substitute for healthy growth.

I heard something interesting about a youth-serving non-profit organization and its approach to the various “market segments” of today’s youth.  Those responsible for promotion find that their traditional marketing to mainstream Americans must be altered for the Asian market.  Rather than stress the “fun” of their programs, they emphasize “how much your child will learn” when marketing to the Asian population.  Is it any wonder that Asian students take so many year-end awards in schools?  Notice your schools’ activities.  Are your children truly being challenged?